The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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