but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
