I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
