hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
two words...techno handjob
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
