Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
