my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
