Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
