Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
