My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
