that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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