Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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