Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
