is your mom at the bar?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
