What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
