I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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