There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
