her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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