So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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