either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
