Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
