her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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