I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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