he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Where is the hickey?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
