I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
