I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
MIDGETS
????
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
