just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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