my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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