I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Randomize
