I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
