Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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