I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
