i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
