i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
