Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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