Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
