Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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