When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
