my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The best revenge is premature balding
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
