i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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