I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
