the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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