I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
