1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
