I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
