So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
