Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
