I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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