p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
