I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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