Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
im six kinds of drunk right now
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
