I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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