he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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