Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
