i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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